Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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