ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I want to fling myself into the sun
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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