Can i not drive my cunt home
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
