Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Say something about gay babies.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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