Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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