If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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