they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
