: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I love having hate sex.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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