cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Houston, we have a squirter
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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