I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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