If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
