You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
