I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
