she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
