I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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