I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
