I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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