Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
