"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your cock deserves a montage
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
