Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
