I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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