I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We left the knife in your bed.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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