Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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