There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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