Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
