birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
