The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
