Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize