Can i not drive my cunt home
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
