He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
