do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
