i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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