I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
