OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize