i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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