K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
