I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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