WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
