I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
