what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
