Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
