Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
