it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
