Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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