Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Use "feeling words"
Yay
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
