Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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