Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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