why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
