i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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