My Higher Power is John Stamos
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
