Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
