dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
