I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Shame is for Republicans.
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