Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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