Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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