It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
