My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
