Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
