you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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