I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
that's an acceptable place to lick
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
